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Here's To the Winners
By Dave Sikula
Thu, December 9, 2010, 12:01 am PST

The Milestone Mo-Tel today
The Milestone Mo-Tel today. Winners get one
free night. Losers get two. (That's the second
time we've used that joke today.)
If the whole world loves a winner, we have a weekend full of love ahead of us. Let's get started!

The most obvious winners will be declared Thursday when either Clint Robertson or Brandy Kuentzel wins the right to become Donald Trump's latest Apprentice for one year. (We hope that the loser isn't stuck for two years ...) One of the three remaining teams on "The Amazing Race" will win a million smackers on Sunday. (Perhaps eating that sheep's head may have been worth it.) It's almost guaranteed that none of these winners will make Barbara Walters' list of the year's "Most Fascinating People," (most fascinating to her, anyway ...) but we’ll find out for sure Thursday. (Our guess for #1 on her list? The cameraman who smears the Vaseline all over the lens that photographs her.) And on Friday, they'll be handing out the Nobel Prizes. The Nobels aren't like the Oscars; everyone already knows who won and the winners have actually accomplished something that matters, rather than playing loveable oddballs.

Saturday we'll see some sports winners. In the afternoon, someone (Cam Newton? Andrew Luck? LaMichael James?) will win the Heisman Trophy as the nation's finest college football player, and in the evening, either Georges St-Pierre or Josh Koscheck will take the welterweight championship at UFC 124 in Montreal. We assume the combatants will not resort to wheeling around the ring in roller skates, but while it would be appropriate (given that Thursday marks the anniversary of their 1884 patent), we'd have to warn them that such a thing would be just plain dangerous.)

Sunday also marks the 10th anniversary of the U.S. Supreme Court's ruling in Bush v. Gore, which ensured that George W. Bush became the nation's 43rd president. Whether that made the country a winner or a loser, we'll leave up to you. Falling into a similar category is Larry King's retirement from his CNN talk show on Friday. (As with President Bush, we won't say whether that's a plus or a minus.)

Weary travelers were winners 85 years ago Sunday, when the Milestone Mo-Tel, the world's first motel (short for "motor hotel"), opened in San Luis Obispo, California.

If we stretch the definition of "winner" to include those whose birthdays fall this weekend, then we're lousy with winners. For example, Thursday sees the birthdays of both Margaret Hamilton (1902) and Redd Foxx (1922). Hamilton is best known for her role as the Wicked Witch of the West in the 1939 classic, "The Wizard of Oz." Despite her indelible portrayal of one of the screen's great villains, Hamilton loved children and was a lifelong advocate for charities that benefitted kids and animals. Foxx was someone whose work, on the other hand, was decidedly not for kids. A veteran of the black vaudeville entertainment venues known as the "Chitlin' Circuit," Foxx recorded a series of "party records" in the 1950s that were both filthy and hilarious. He reached a mainstream fame in the '70s when he starred in "Sanford and Son," where his frequent feigned heart attacks were one of the show's running gags. In a supreme irony, he suffered an actual heart attack while rehearsing for another television show, but no one believed was it real until it was too late.

Sunday would have been the 95th birthday of Frank Sinatra. The greatest popular singer of the 20th century, Sinatra was also an Oscar-winning actor, starred in numerous TV specials that consisted of nothing but him singing with his guests, and was the biggest attraction in Las Vegas when that title actually meant something.

Monday, we celebrate the 192nd birthday of Mary Todd Lincoln, wife of Abraham Lincoln who was criticized in her time for her extravagant and spendthrift ways, and committed to a psychiatric hospital by her son Robert. While she was undoubtedly depressed, wouldn't any woman who’d lived through the death of three sons and the murder of her husband (while sitting next to him) feel the same? She was eventually declared competent and released, but her health was broken, and she died three years later.

If birthday celebrants are winners, so too are those is show business who meet success, like performers and lovers of country music, who can celebrate the 83rd anniversary of the first broadcast of the Grand Ole Opry on Friday. The Opry has been a staple of radio and television in the decades since it debuted, highlighting the best in country, from Hank Williams and Minnie Pearl to Clint Black and Carrie Underwood. Someone who's appeared at the Opry (but has yet to be inducted into its member ranks) is Taylor Swift. Perhaps the Opry has been waiting for her to turn 21 - in which case, it need wait no longer! The Grammy-winning singer reaches her majority on Monday.

Thursday will see the annual airing of the Rankin-Bass animated Christmas special, "The Year without a Santa Claus," which features memorable turns by Snow Miser and Heat Miser (who are also not members of the Opry).

Friday is also the 55th anniversary of the "Mighty Mouse Playhouse's" television premiere. In TV's early days, broadcasters were desperate for material to air, so old movies and cartoons were natural fodder, and Paul Terry's "Mighty Mouse" cartoons were some of the oddest programs to come to the screen. Mini operatic melodramas, they featured the eponymous rodent singing his was through battles with the villainous Oil Can Harry. Mighty made a brief comeback in the 80s in a brilliant TV series produced by Ralph Bakshi, but he's been in retirement since self-appointed censor Donald Wildmon mistook the mouse's flower sniffing for drug use. (No, really.) Wildmon isn't the only well-intentioned, if-misguided, protector we mention, though, since Thursday is the anniversary of the founding of the John Birch Society, which has been protecting Americans from the Communists lurking under their beds for 52 years.

Legitimate do-gooders have something to celebrate this weekend, too. Thursday is the U.N's annual International Anti-Corruption Day, dedicated to wiping out, well, corruption and promoting the rule of law, and Friday is both Human Rights Day and the beginning of Human Rights Week.

We end by noting a delightful juxtaposition on Thursday. December 9, 1792, saw the first cremation in America, when statesman Henry Laurens died at his plantation in Charleston, South Carolina, and per his will, his body was burned. On the same date in 1886, Clarence Birdseye, inventor of frozen food was born. We're reminded of the choice Curly Howard was given in a Three Stooges short: to be burned at the stake or to have his head cut off. He opted for the former, on the reasoning that a hot stake's better than a cold chop. Good night!

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What a Lovely Prize! It's So Nobel of You!
By Dave Sikula
Mon, October 4, 2010, 12:01 am PDT

Alfred Nobel
Alfred Nobel: "Boom goes
the dynamite!"
Welcome to this the very special Nobel Prize-week edition of The Spark! Let others bask in the sham glow of the Oscars and Emmys. The Nobels are the Big Prizes -- as we'll see as we travel through the week. We're too excited to wait, so let's begin!

Monday:
hile almost nothing can top the Nobel Prize in Physiology or Medicine, which will be awarded today, we'd like to think that National Taco Day comes close. Celebrate medicine by clogging your arteries, we say!

That's not all, though. This week is also World Space Week, commemorating not only the 1957 launch of the Soviet Union's Sputnik I, (the world's first artificial satellite), but also landmarks like SpaceShipOne, which, in 2004, became the first private craft to fly into space, winning the Ansari X Prize.

And don't forget World Animal Day, a day to celebrate all our furry, feathered, and finned friends. (Many of whom them may be uninvited guests in the athletes' village at the Commonwealth Games in New Delhi, India.

Athletes and animals vying for the same living space seems a scenario tailor-made for Buster Keaton, whose 115th birthday we note. Keaton was the greatest of the clowns who populated silent film in the 1910s and 1920s; his physical feats and creativity were seldom equaled. And although his personal life hit the skids in the early '30s, he never stopped working, and he lived long enough to see his films rediscovered in the 1960s, and his genius acknowledged.

Today is also the birthday of writer Damon Runyon (1880). Runyon started out as a street-wise sportswriter, reporter, and columnist in 1920s New York, and he came to know a vast number of characters from all strata of society, from gamblers and con men to socialites and evangelists. He portrayed them in a language all his own, in a series of short stories that paint the Big Apple as a giant amusement park. Those stories were adapted into the musical "Guys and Dolls," which opened in 1950 and became an instant classic.

For all the characters Runyon described, few had the colorful grotesqueness of the cast of "Dick Tracy," the venerable comic strip that made its debut in the Detroit Mirror this day in 1931. Created by writer and artist Chester Gould, Detective Tracy fought such oddities as The Mole, Pruneface, "Itchy" Oliver, and Flattop Jones (not to mention Flattop Jr.). Gould died in 1985, but the strip continues to this day with its unique mix of grotesque villains who meet gruesome deaths. Fun for the whole family!

Not as bizarre -- but with as colorful a cast of characters -- was the Orient Express, the luxury train that ran from Paris to Istanbul starting in 1883. In novels and films, the train's passengers are usually portrayed as committing espionage, blackmail, murder, or any number of other unsavory exploits. While the original train stopped running in 2009, a private company picked up both the route and the rail cars -- although nowadays the full route is offered only twice a year.

We were going to remark that, if any of those characters on the Orient Express gets too nefarious, the Supreme Court is back in session today and could take care of them. But of course, the Court has no jurisdiction in Europe, so the point is moot.

The Court does have jurisdiction in South Dakota, where, in 1927, the first carving began on Mount Rushmore. Over the decades, there have been calls for other presidents to join Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, and Theodore Roosevelt, but those petitioners are out of luck, since there's no more rock that can be sculpted.

Tuesday:

Today's Nobel category: physics. Who will follow in the footsteps of Einstein, Bohr, and the Curies?

Today's birthdays: Larry Fine (1902), the most valuable of the Three Stooges, who provided the necessary buffer between Moe and Curly, Shemp, Joe, and Curly Joe. Ray Kroc (also 1902), the milkshake-machine salesman who, became the head of McDonald's and terrorized untold millions of cows. In 1922, cartoonist Bil Keane was born. Keane created "The Family Circus." Even though the strip has long since been taken over by Jeff Keane (the red-haired, oval-headed one), it has spawned innumerable parodies and is both loved and loathed by millions.

Not realy "birthdays," but also making their debuts today were "Monty Python's Flying Circus" (which premiered on the BBC in 1969) and the first of the James Bond films, "Dr. No," which opened in 1962. (Let it be noted that Sean Connery was not the first Bond, though. Barry Nelson portrayed American secret agent "Jimmy Bond" in a 1954 television adaptation of "Casino Royale.")

And not exactly a "debut," but something to be noted is that October 5 is the most common birthday in the United States. That makes sense, since it would mean that most of those children were conceived on New Year's Eve. (We'll let you do the rest of the math ...)

All those children need education, so it's appropriate that Tuesday is also World Teachers Day.

Wednesday:

This time of year, it's hard to not think of baseball, especially with the Major League playoffs beginning today, so it's fortunate that there are two baseball-related events. In 1880, the Cincinnati Red Stockings were kicked out of the National League for selling beer. (Hard to imagine any franchise today going without beer sales.) And speaking of "going without," in 1945, restaurateur Billy Sianis and his pet billy goat were ejected from Wrigley Field during Game 4 of the World Series. Sianis took the occasion to curse the team, which went on to lose the Series -- to which the team has never since returned. (The Cubs, of course, won their last world championship in 1908.)

A winning team needs chemistry, which is perhaps why the Nobel Committee chose today to award the prize for that discipline. (We're hoping to win the Nobel for strained transitions.)

For those not so interested in baseball, but who are still looking for a pastime, we offer Balloons Around the World, dedicated to those artists who twist and sculpt inflated rubber bladders. If balloons don't tickle your fancy, you might head to Dallas, where the Fall Toy Preview opens, giving consumers and retailers a clue as to what will be the hot toys this holiday season. We have to wonder what will be this year's Cabbage Patch Kid, the red-hot can't-get-it doll that debuted 27 years ago tomorrow.

If toys and balloons aren't your speed, you might screen "The Jazz Singer," to commemorate its 1927 opening. The film wasn't the first talking picture by any means, but the combination of Al Jolson and its story proved a powerhouse that was the death-knell for silent movies. If musicals aren't your speed, how about a movie starring Bette Davis? Davis may well have been the greatest actress in the history of the movies, garnering 11 Academy Award nominations (winning two), whose career spanned the decades from 1931 until her death on this day in 1989.

Davis did a couple of Broadway musicals (which is unfortunate, given her overall lack of a voice), but neither of their scores made the "Great American Songbook," so you’'ll have to depend on Michael Feinstein, whose PBS series on the Songbook begins airing tonight.

Thursday:

Birthdays of the day:

1859: Thomas J. Wise. Wise was one of England's foremost bibliographic experts, who made a fortune selling rare books and first editions for outrageous prices. The books Wise sold were rare and first editions, but not in the way he alleged. The fact was that he forged most of them. (None of them, of course, would have been alleged to be by the winner of the Nobel Prize for Literature, which will be announced today.)

Rssian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin turns 58 today. We assume he'll pose shirtless and perform feats of strength, as is his wont. We further assume he won't don a black t-shirt and try to make his biceps look huge, as does today's other birthday boy, Simon Cowell, born in 1959.

And please, if you would, take a moment on this, the ninth anniversary of the US invasion of Afghanistan, to reflect on all the lives lost and changed forever.

Friday:

The late Harvey Pekar would have turned 71 today. Pekar's comic series "American Splendor" gave new life to the independent comics movement, as he turned his mundane daily life into art.

Not so arty are the books of R.L. Stine, who was born in 1943. Stine and his innumerable ghost writers have turned out scores of young adult horror novels designed to scare kids and throw parents into throes of agony because their children aren't reading better books.


In movies, actress Sigourney Weaver turns 61 (and it's a damn fine-looking 61, we may add), and the biopic of Secretariat opens, just four days after the 21st anniversary of his death. Secretariat was probably the greatest racehorse of all time, whose athleticism and personality won him millions of fans -- and many of whose racing records still stand, decades after they were set.

One of the few awards Secretariat did not receive was the Nobel Peace Prize, which will be announced today.

Saturday:

Something for everyone today. It's the birthday of Lt. Col. Alfred Dreyfus (1859), the French Army officer who was falsely convicted of treason, and whose imprisonment on Devil's Island sparked international outrage and exposed a vast strain of anti-Semitism running through France's government and society.

For the more sensationally-minded, it's the 120th birthday of evangelist Aimee Semple McPherson. "Sister Aimee" was a circus in herself, exhibiting equal measures of religious fervor and a genius for self-promotion -- to the point where she faked her own kidnapping in 1926. Over the decades, though, her fame faded, and she died of an accidental overdose of Seconal in 1944. (And, coincidentally, a television film was made about her fake kidnapping that starred Bette Davis as her mother.)

As loud and boisterous as McPherson was, Jacques Tati (1909) was silent. Tati was a French writer/actor/director who achieved worldwide fame with his comedies featuring himself as the befuddled Monsieur Hulot, a gentle and quiet man who was baffled by the modern world. In December, "The Illusionist," based on an unproduced screenplay of his, will open in the U.S. -- starring a animated version of Tati.

For the adventurous, Kona, Hawaii, will today feature the Ironman Triathlon World Championships, wherein competitors will take on a 2.4-mile swim, a 112-mile bike race, and a 26.2-mile run -- and then ask for more.

If that sounds too strenuous, you might want to take a trip to Manhattan, where the ice rink at Rockefeller Center will open. Seems a bit early to be taking part in winter sports, but we suppose anything is possible in New York.

Of course, even skating may seem a bit much for some, so we'll just remind them that it's Moldy Cheese Day, devoted to the tasting and enjoyment of smelly fromage -- the smellier and moldier, the better.

Lastly, we note with sadness that, had history run a different course, we'd be celebrating the 70th birthday of the late Beatle John Lennon and the 30 years of music we've been robbed of because of his untimely murder.

Sunday:

To end the week, we suggest you dig out your fancy duds to celebrate Tuxedo Day, which marks the anniversary of the tuxedo dinner jacket making its debut in New York City in 1886. The coat got its origins when the members of the exclusive Tuxedo Club in Tuxedo Park, NY (and you wondered how the coat got its name ...) began looking for a new style of jacket that was less formal than a cutaway but was still dressy.

If you’'re in a mood to travel, you might take your tux and head to London for the grand reopening of the Savoy Hotel. The Savoy originally opened in 1899 and was the last word in luxury and opulence, featuring electric lights and elevators, and bathrooms with hot and cold running water inside most of the room. The hotel's been closed since 2007 while it's undergone a $350 million renovation, which promises to bring it into the 21stst century and beyond.

If London sounds a bit expensive, you might try traveling to Pyongyang to celebrate North Korea's Party Foundation. After all, it's the 65thth anniversary of the founding of Workers Party of Korea. If you run into Kim Jong Il, you might give him a lovely cake (since it's National Cake Decorating Day) -- though you might likelier be reminded that it's World Mental Health Day. But the Dear Leader isn't the only reminder of the varying degrees of mental well-being. For example, today would have been the 86thth birthday of film director Ed Wood. Wood is generally considered to be the worst director who ever lived, and his masterpiece, "Plan 9 from Outer Space," is thought to be one of the worst movies ever made. (We've seen worse, personally.) Wood was less mentally unstable than he was incompetent, so who else might we think of when speaking of poor mental health?

How about the good citizens of Lake Havasu City, Arizona, who bought and dismantled London Bridge, moved it to their desert town, and reopened it on this day in 1971? Or the well-meaning folks who'll be traveling to Ashton, England, for the World Conker Championships? What is conkers?, you may ask. It's a game where two players take horse-chestnut seeds, run stringa through them, and then swing them at an opponent's conker. The first player to break the other's seed wins. We don't get it, but they love it.

Our final note for the week is to call attention to the day's date: 10/10/10.

10+10+10=30, and "-30-” is the old newspaperman's code for the end of a story, which we'll take as our cue.

See you next time!

-30-


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It's All Showbiz, Kid
By Dave Sikula
Mon, September 20, 2010, 12:01 am PDT

Jack LaLanne
Jack LaLanne at a mere 92 --
and he could still take you one-handed
It's nearly Autumn! So won't you join The Spark as we fall into the week's events?

Monday:

You'd think something from the 17th century that's been confirmed by every reliable scientist for the past 400 years would be over and done with, wouldn't you? On this day in 1633, astronomer Galileo Galilei was tried by the Vatican for teaching that the Earth orbits the Sun. Well, even though the Catholic Church eventually apologized to Signor Galilei (albeit in 1992), there are still some folks beating the drums for geocentrism. "plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose," we guess.

Galileo's trial wasn’t the only event related to stirring things up on this day, though. In 1878, Upton Sinclair was born. His muckraking and provocative style evidenced itself over nearly 100 books, the most notorious of which, "The Jungle," exposed the horrors of the meat-packing industry, and led in great part to the 1906 passing of the Pure Food and Drug and Meat Inspection Acts.

In 1885, Ferdinand "Jelly Roll" Morton was born. Morton was many things, including, a pianist, bandleader, and composer, but is best known for his spurious claims to have invented jazz.

1947 saw the death of New York's mayor, Fiorello La Guardia. The "Little Flower" was that rarest of animals nowadays, a progressive Republican who cleaned up the vast network of corruption in Big Apple politics. He wasn't a reformer 24/7, though, in that he was known to leave business matters at the drop of a hat to hop onto a passing fire truck, and in 1945, when a strike stopped newspapers from being printed, he read the comic section on the radio so readers could keep up with the action.

Cartoon director Jay Ward would have turned 90 today. His off-kilter sense of humor leant itself to such classic shows as "The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle," "Hoppity Hooper," and "George of the Jungle."

But let's not forget the ladies today. Legendary actress Sophia Loren turns 76 today, and tomorrow is the 29th anniversary of Sandra Day O'Connor being approved unanimously approved by the U.S. Senate as the first female Supreme Court justice, and in 1973, Billie Jean King struck a blow for feminists everywhere when she beat Bobby Riggs in straight sets in "The Battle of the Sexes" tennis match at Houston"s Astrodome. Of course, the 30-year-old King had an age advantage over the 55-year-old Riggs, and the whole thing was little more than a massive publicity stunt, but it was still good theatre.

Speaking of theatre, in 1994, songwriter Jule Styne died. Over his nearly 70-year career, he wrote more than 2,000 songs (of which the New York Times estimated that 200 were hits) and 29 musicals, some of which -- most notably "Gyspy" and "Funny Girl" -- are among the greatest achievement of the musical theatre. He was also nominted for nine Academy Awards, finally winning for "Three Coins in the Fountain" in 1953.

Not so notable, though. is "Dancing with the Stars," which begins its new season tonight, as does the new incarnation of "Hawaii Five-O;" though without Jack Lord -- and his hair -- we don't know if it'll be able to suvrive. (They are keeping the classic theme song, though.) Maybe the brainiacs participating in the 2010 Chess Olympiad in Khanty Mansiysk, Russia, will be able to figure that one out.

Tuesday:

Tougher to figure out is the case of comedian Milton Berle. In 1948, Berle was made the regular host of "The Texaco Star Theater." Almost overnight, Berle became the biggest star on television, sparking the sale of millions of TV sets as Americans clamored to see what "Uncle Miltie" would do next. He was so popular, in fact, that NBC signed him to a lifetime contract -- a contract that expired in 1978, 24 years before Berle's actual death.

Turning to sports, we see that today is both the 40th anniversary of the debut of "Monday Night Football" as well as being Miniature Golf Day. It's also the 60th birthday of avid golfer and Chicago Cubs fan Bill Murray.

Lots of literary doings today. In 1866, H.G. Wells was born. Wells is today best remembered for his science fiction novels like "The War of the Worlds" and "The Invisible Man," but he was also a historian and social critic and commentator. Why movie producer Jerry Bruckheimer, who turns 65 today, has never made one of Wells's novels into a blockbuster film we don't know. For that matter, we have to wonder why he's never made a film of one of Stephen King's books. After all, they share a birthday -- though King is two years younger.

We should be thankful, though that Bruckheimer never turned Virginia O'Hanlon's letter to the New York Sun asking if there was a Santa Claus (published on this day in 1897) into a mammoth summer movie -- though we suppose massive explosions don't really lend themselves to stories featuring eight-year-old Victorian girls. It's actually better fodder for an animated feature, perhaps one directed by Chuck Jones, born in 1912, and considered by many to be the greatest of all cartoon directors. His "Duck Amuck," "One Froggy Evening," and "What's Opera, Doc?" are usually considered three of the finest cartoons ever made.

Wednesday:

For that matter, we have to wonder why there’s never been a movie version of the life of Revolutionary War spy Nathan Hale. Seems like there’s enough adventure there to fill out a movie, but maybe the unhappy ending -- he was caught and hanged on this day in 1776 -- put the kibosh on those plans. Still, with such a killer final line ("I regret I have but one life to lose for my country"), you’d get an interesting ending. Perhaps it would have been an interesting subject for birthday boy Erich von Stroheim (1885), but given Stroheim's excesses (the first cut of his 1924 silent film "Greed" ran sixteen hours), perhaps that's not such a good idea.

Speaking of spies, we note in passing that, in 1964, "The Man from U.N.C.L.E." debuted on NBC (much to the delight of "Mad Men's" Sally Draper, we presume).

If only Hale had lived another seven years, he might have seen Russia establishing a colony at Kodiak, Alaska in 1784 -- an event which definitely allowed what Alaskans there were to see Russia from their houses. Such an event might have been fodder for the National Geographic Magazine, except it didn't begin publishing until more than a century later, in 1888. And if any of those Russian colonists had injured themselves, well, they just would have been out of luck, since Band-Aids weren’t invented until this day in 1921. (Need we mention that Band-Aid, like Kleenex, Xerox, Aspirin, Zipper, and even Heroin, is a trademarked name?)

Beginnings and endings today: The Queen Mary began her last Atlantic crossing in 1967 on its way to Long Beach, CA, where it floats today as a hotel and tourist attraction. (The ship had made her maiden voyage on September 26, 1934, so we're pretty sure the date of the finale was intentional.)

Not quite as regal, but still a movie queen was Marion Davies, who died on this day in 1961. The longtime companion/mistress of newspaper mogul William Randolph Hearst, Davies was a huge star in the 1920s. A talented comedienne, Hearst forced Davies to play dramatic parts before she finally retired from the screen in 1937. Unfortunately for her, she was the model of Susan Alexander Kane in Orson Welles's "Citizen Kane." The comparison is unfortunate because Davies, unlike Mrs. Kane, was actually talented, smart, and witty -- but history will forever associate them together.

In 2007, Marcel Marceau died. Marceau was one of the world's great mimes, and while street mimes have given the art form a bad name, artists like Marceau were able to translate human emotions into wordless vignettes of joy, pain, love, and hate that anyone in any country could understand and empathize with.

If Jule Styne's nine Oscar nominations seem a lot, consider the case of Harry Warren, who died in 1981. Over the course of his long career, Warren was nominated for 11, and won three. A list of his hits would be as long as your arm, from "Jeepers Creepers" and "Chattanooga Choo-Choo" (the first record to sell a million copies) to "We’re in the Money" and "42nd Street." For all his success, though, he was relatively unknown, even in his heyday.

As unknown as Warren was, Irving Berlin, who died in 1989 at the age of 101 was as famous as anyone in America -- and possibly the most successful songwriter of all time. From 1911, when his first hit, "Alexander’s Ragtime Band" made him world famous, to 1961, when his last musical, "Mr. President" flopped, he wrote more than 1,500 songs, the very minimum mention of which would include "Easter Parade" "White Christmas," "There's No Business Like Show Business" and "God Bless America." Jerome Kern (no slouch at songwriting himself), said of him, "Irving Berlin has no place in American music -- he is American music."

Enough of the farewells, though. Tonight, "Hell's Kitchen" returns, and we predict that chef Gordon Ramsey will swear, call someone a "donkey," and throw someone out of his kitchen in a fit of rage. If it gets too violent, we can be sure that the new police officers and ADAs of "Law & Order: Los Angeles" will be there to ensure justice is done. Ramsey's fits may seem the work of a madman, but we can be assures he’s (probably) sane, much like Joaquin Phoenix, who returns to David Letterman's show tonight to prove that his last bizarre appearance was merely a pose for his latest movie.

We're usually pretty good at linking things and finding tenuous connections between events, but we'll present these three to you and hope you can find a connection. Today is not only Elephant Appreciation Day (and who wouldn't appreciate an World Carfree Day (not "Free Car" Day, mind you), as well as being Ice Cream Cone Day.

Thursday:

A slew of birthdays. Baroness Emmuska Orczy was born in 1865. The baroness created something that is invaluable to many writers today. She invented the secret identity. In her novel "The Scarlet Pimpernel," Sir Percy Blakeney is, to all the world, an ineffectual fop. But to the terrorized rulers of post-revolutionary France, he is an avenging angel, rescuing otherwise helpless aristocrats. All right, it's not exactly Clark Kent and Superman, but it is a trope that writers have happily used in the years since.

In 1865, Mary Mallon was born. Mallon was better known as "Typhoid Mary" for her uncanny ability to carry the typhoid virus without herself becoming ill. Unfortunately, she worked as a cook and housemaid and spread the disease, killing two and making dozens ill before being forced to spend the final 23 years of her life in isolation.

In more current birthdays, we have Ray Charles (1930), quite possibly the hippest man who ever lived, and Mickey Rooney, who turns 90 today, and while probably not hip, is certainly hale and hearty, currently working on his 73rd year in the movie business. He was one of the top stars in the '30s and '40s, and has four movies out in 2010 and another scheduled for next year. He's the Energizer Bunny of actors. Speaking of ageless performers, Bruce Springsteen is 61 today and still performs with the energy of a man half his age.

Entertainment anniversaries: 1953 saw the premiere of "The Robe," the first movie made in CinemaScope (another trademarked name!) CinemaScope was hardly the first widescreen format (1930’s "The Big Trail" was made in a 70mm process called "Grandeur," but it was the first one that stuck. Movie studios, disturbed that people were staying at home and watching television, had to come up with a gimmick that audiences could get only in a theatre; hence, the big, big screen. Of course, if entertainment was going to be like "The Jetsons," which premiered in prime time in 1962 (ABC's first series in color, by the way), maybe movie moguls only had to wait for TV shows (like 1962's "The Beverly Hillbillies," 1964's "The Munsters" and "Gilligan's Island," and 1967's "The Brady Bunch," all of which premiered this weekend) that would drive folks out of their homes and back to the movies. (Although 1968 brought us "60 Minutes," so it's not a total loss.)

Not that television has gotten any better. NBC's "Outsourced" premieres tonight, set in an Indian call center, we have to wonder if any of the characters were fired by Donald Trump, whose "Apprentice" makes its return, as well. And if you can't stand those, there's always "CSI," featuring a guest appearance by teen heartthrob Justin Bieber, whom we sincerely hope plays a murder victim. If comedy is your preference, though, you might want to dig up a copy of Richard Nixon's 1952 "Checkers" speech, wherein the then-Vice Presidential candidate made a maudlin speech to defend himself from bribery charges, admitting that yes, he’d accepted a cocker spaniel puppy named "Checkers," but that he wouldn't be giving up the dog, which his daughters loved.

In 1806, Lewis and Clark returned to St. Louis after two years of exploring the Pacific Northwest, just in time for the Autumnal Equinox, which marks, of course, the 3/4 point in the year, and the beginning of fall.

Friday:

Two civil rights landmarks today. In 1957, President Dwight D. Eisenhower sent the 101st Airborne Division into Little Rock, Arkansas, to enforce the desegregation of Central High School, and in 1962, the United States Court of Appeals ordered the University of Mississippi to admit James Meredith as its first African-American student.

In 1896, writer F. Scott Fitzgerald was born. Fitzgerald chronicled the Roaring Twenties in such novels as "The Great Gatsby" and "The Beautiful and Damned," and was soon tempted by the bright lights of Hollywood, where he worked as a frustrated screenwriter. Even though he contributed to many, many scripts (including "Gone With the Wind"), he received only one screen credit (for 1938's "Three Comrades." Seeing that today is Fitzgerald's birthday and tomorrow is that of William Faulkner, we guess it's somehow appropriate that it's also National Punctuation Day. Faulkner toiled in Hollywood, too, but is best known for his long and dense novels set in the fictional Yoknapatawpha County of Mississippi. Like Fitzgerald, he was an alcoholic, but managed to survive to 1962 (Fitzgerald had died in 1940) and was awarded the Nobel Prize in 1949. We have the feeling that many high school students would like to violate the spirit of Banned Books Week (which begins tomorrow) by removing their works from the curriculum, but we would disagree.

In the oddity file, 1947 supposedly saw the establishment of the Majestic 12 committee by President Harry Truman. The committee was allegedly organized to investigate UFO activity in the wake of the Roswell incident in New Mexico. The only problem is that there's no evidence that the committee ever actually existed -- which, in conspiracist's minds, is probably the surest evidence it existed.

As weird as the aliens who visited Roswell were (assuming they existed) are the creatures created by Jim Henson, the Muppet master who was born in 1936.

Saturday:

In 1690, "Publick Occurrences Both Foreign and Domestick," the first newspaper to appear in the Americas, was published for the first -- and only -- time. Whether it was due to bad copy-editing, we don't know.

Today's birthdays include two actors who portrayed movie superheroes: Mark Hamill (1951) and Christopher Reeve (1952). (We were surprised to realize Hamill was older.) Mark portrayed Luke Skywalker, the would-be Jedi with father issues, and Reeve was obviously best known as Superman. Hamill's career has continued to the present, most notably as The Joker in "Batman: The Animated Series," where Reeve's was cut short by his 1995 equestrian accident that paralyzed him from the neck down. His charity, the Christopher and Dana Reeve Foundation, is still dedicated to finding treatments and cures for paralysis caused by spinal cord injuries.

Heroes of even another sort will appear in Indianapolis when UFC 119 begins and big slabs of beef will try to pound each other into submission, a tactic that would most assuredly not be approved by birthday boy Shel Silverstein (1930), whose wicked wit has enlivened many a childhood (and adulthood, for that matter).

It's also National One Hit Wonder Day, dedicated to those whose fame came and went in the twinkling of an eye, a description that would not apply to Barbara Walters, who, born in 1929, has been appearing on American television screens since 1961.

Sunday:

In 1774, John Chapman, aka "Johnny Appleseed," was born. Chapman was an early conservationist, who walked across colonial America, spreading, yes, apple seeds, vegetarianism, and a gospel of ecology and health.

In 1871, Winsor McCay was born. The father of the American animated cartoon, McCay was a cartoonist and draftsman almost without peer, whose idea that drawings projected in sequence could give the illusion of movement created a billion-dollar industry.

1872 saw the opening of the first Shriner's Temple in New York City. We have to wonder what Shriners rode around in before those little cars were invented.

In 1898, Jacob Gershowitz was born in Brooklyn. When he was 17, he published his first song as George Gershwin, and American music has never been the same. To this day, his songs are the backbone of the "Great American Songbook," and have been recorded and performed countless times. If he wrote nothing else, his opera "Porgy and Bess" would stand out at the greatest achievement in the history of the musical theatre. (There are some who would claim that place for "West Side Story," which opened in 1957. These people are wrong.)

In 1902, Levi Strauss died. His fame can be judged when you count the number of people who have had articles of clothing after them at all, let alone their first names.

Jack LaLanne was born in 1914, and he's still going strong. At 96, he still starts every morning with a brisk 90-minute session in the weight room, followed by a half hour walking or swimming. His lifelong commitment to health and fitness is a model to anyone of any age. He once said that he can't die, since it'd be bad for his image. We wouldn't bet against him.

We end this week by going from the sublime to the ridiculous. On CBS, "The Amazing Race" returns for its latest season, offering contestants the chance to see the world while humiliating themselves and suffering from killer fatigue.

On the other hand, over on Fox, the cast of "Glee" will guest on "The Simpsons." One show that's downright annoying and another that's long since passed its sell-by date. But, hey, that's showbiz!

And on that note, we bid you a fond adieu until next time.

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In Which We Wonder About Sex and Death
By Dave Sikula
Mon, August 16, 2010, 12:01 am PDT

Poster for Woody Allen's
Well, that's what it all comes
down to, doesn't it?
Welcome once more to The Spark, your source for a deep dig into the week's events. Let's begin, shall we?

Monday:

The week begins with the anniversaries of the deaths of a couple of prominent Southerners. It's hard to determine which was the more notable, though. Obviously, Elvis Presley dying in 1977 got more ink (and the good people at FTD had more orders for flowers to be delivered to Graceland than for any other event or place), and his effect on pop culture is incalculable, but in 1888, John Pemberton died in Atlanta, three years after inventing Coca-Cola. Memphians will note the anniversary with Elvis Week, but we don’t think Atlantans will be celebrating Pemberton Week, so Mr. Presley may get the nod.

But Elvis and Dr. Pemberton aren’t the only prominent folks who died on this date. In 1956, Bela Lugosi died. Lugosi was so identified with Count Dracula that he resented the way the role had typecast him, so it was odd that he chose to be buried in the Dracula cape he had worn on stage and screen. In 1948, baseball legend Babe Ruth died. Had he lived another six years, he might have made the cover of "Sports Illustrated," the first issue of which hit the newsstands in 1954.

In birthdays today, we note two creators and an icon (of sorts). In 1884, Hugo Gernsback was born. Gernsback is all but unknown today, but in the 1920s, he nurtured not only the genre of science fiction (which he called "scientifiction"), but also created what has come to be known as fandom by printing names and addresses of readers in his science fiction magazines. (Coincidentally, the World Science Fiction Convention opens tomorrow in Reno, NV.) 1892, Otto Messmer was born. Messmer was an artist and animator who may or may not have created Felix the Cat, who, until the advent of Mickey Mouse in the late 1920s, was the biggest animated star in movies. The icon is Fess Parker, who was born in 1924. In the 1950s, he played frontiersman and Congressman Davy Crockett (whose own birth in 1786 we note tomorrow) on television, causing a mania for coonskin caps. In the 60s, he played frontiersman and legislator Daniel Boone.

In the oddity file, we see that Chang and Eng Bunker, the original "Siamese Twins," arrived in Boston in 1829. Though they were joined at the sternum, the Bunkers married sisters and fathered 21 children between them. We needn't dwell on the details. And it's the 90th birthday of bohemian writer Charles Bukowski, who managed to turn a life of dissipation and alcohol into poetry.

Tuesday:

Last week, we mentioned that "The Wizard of Oz" had had its world premiere in Oconomowoc, WI. Well, on August 17, 1939, it finally reached New York, opening at the Capitol Theatre on Broadway. Speaking of things reaching the Big Apple, it was on this day in 1790, that the U.S. capital moved from New York to Philadelphia (the government would open shop in Washington DC in 1800.)

Speaking of things leaving New York, Robert Fulton's steamboat, The Clermont, left New York for Albany in 1807. (That route later became notorious in the early 20th century, as philandering husbands and wives used it to follow through on trysts. "Taking the night boat to Albany" became shorthand for having an affair.)

And speaking of illicit affairs, how could we forget that, on this day in 1893, Mae West was born? West was an actor an playwright who traded in the power of sex to scandalize, so much so that a number of her plays were shut down for their scandalous plots and she herself was arrested more than once.

Some musical events of note today. In 1954, Billy Murray died. Murray is all but unknown today, but he was a staggeringly popular recording artist in the first quarter of the 20th century, becoming the first person to sell a million records. In 1959, Miles Davis's "Kind of Blue" was released. It marked a new type of cool jazz that hadn't been widely heard before, and Miles struck gold, with the album being generally considered to the best-selling jazz album of all time. Beach Boys frontman Brian Wilson will release an album of his arrangements of songs by George Gershwin today. It’s also the 27th anniversary of the death of George’s brother Ira, though we don't know if the though of Wilson messing with the Gershwin songbook is what killed him.

Wednesday:

Today is a day for all types of women's events. In 1587, Virginia Dare became the first child of European parents to be born on American soil. She was born in the Roanoake colony in North Carolina, an outpost from which every resident mysteriously vanished soon after. In 1920, the 19th Amendment to the Constitution was ratified, guaranteeing women the right to vote. And today, the Miami Dolphins cheerleaders will release a swimsuit calendar. Whether this is a step forward or backward, we leave to you, dear reader.

In three completely unrelated events, we note than, in 1227, Genghis Khan, who created the largest empire the world has ever known, died; that today is International Homeless Animals Day; and that an expedition to create the first 3D map of the wreckage site of RMS Titanic will begin.

Thursday:

Not a good day for witches or those suspected of being witches. In 1612, three women from the Lancashire village of Samlesbury, England, were put on trial, for allegedly practicing witchcraft, and eighty years later, in 1692 in Salem, MA, one woman and four men ere executed after being convicted of witchcraft.

Following the death of Elvis earlier in the week, the death of Groucho Marx in 1977 didn't cause much of a ripple, but to fans of classic comedy, it was a bigger event.

Thanks to the efforts of birthday boy Philo T. Farnsworth (1906), who invented the television, news travels faster than ever -- or certainly faster than it did in 1848, when the news of the California Gold Rush finally reached the New York Herald, a mere seven months after gold had been discovered. Had airplanes been around in those days (and today is National Aviation Day, to commemorate the 1871 birth of Orville Wright), the east coast might have gotten the word sooner, though.

Friday:

Speaking of getting the word late, it was on this day in 1866 that President Andrew Johnson formally declared the Civil War over, a mere 16 months after the surrender at Appomattox.

(We might also mention in this context that in 1858, Charles Darwin first published his theory of evolution in "The Journal of the Proceedings of the Linnean Society of London," alongside Alfred Russel Wallace's same theory, though there are still some folks who either haven’t gotten that news, or who choose to ignore it.)

In musical anniversaries, in 1882 Peter Ilyich Tchaikovsky's "1812 Overture" debuted in Moscow and in 1885, Gilbert and Sullivan’s "The Mikado," opened in New York.

Some sports stuff today, too. It's the 90th birthday of the National Football League, founded in Canton, OH, as well as the being the openings of the World Series of both mahjong and Little League baseball. A less happy reminder of football also occurs today, when "The Tillman Story" opens; it's a documentary investigating the life and the cover-up of the death of NFL star and Army Ranger Pat Tillman.

On a (much) lighter note, a "Twilight" convention opens today in Parsippany, NJ. Why Parsippany, we have no idea.

Saturday:

In 1878, the American Bar Association was founded. We'd make a joke here, but we don't want to get sued.

Speaking of theft, it was on this day in 1911 that the Mona Lisa was stolen by an employee of the Louvre Museum (There must be something about art thefts this weekend. Sunday is the sixth anniversary of the thefts of two paintings by Edvard Munch from the Munch Museum in Oslo.)

And speaking of exaggeration, it's Wilt Chamberlain’s birthday. Wilt was born in 1936, and while he was one of the most prolific scorers in NBA history, he also claimed to be one of the most prolific scorers off the court, boasting in his autobiography that he had slept with over 20,000 women (nearly as many as his 31,419 career points).

In other birthdays today, piano legend Count Basie, who lead the swingingest big band ever, was born in 1904; Oscar-winning animation director Friz Freleng was born in 1906; Christopher Robin Milne, who inspired (and resented) the Winnie-the-Pooh stories, was born in 1920; and in 1938, country singer Kenny Rogers was born. We're not quite sure when his face was born, however.

And on this day in 1959, Hawaii became a state -- just in time to either be or not be the birthplace of Barack Obama.

Sunday:

In 1485, King Richard III was killed in the Battle of Bosworth Field. Shakespeare's play of 100 or so years later painted him as an utter villain, but contemporary historians have rehabilitated him somewhat. Guess history will also be written by the victors.

Speaking of writers, we close the week by noting that, in 1893, Dorothy Parker was born. Mrs. Parker was generally considered to be the wittiest woman in America in the 1920s and '30s, with a pen dipped in poison and a tongue to match. In her later years, she tried to renounce her fame and wit, but any woman who could say, "If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised" had something going on.

Earlier, we mentioned how Hugo Gernsback more or less created science fiction fandom, and one of those early fans celebrates his 90th birthday today: Ray Bradbury. Bradbury wrote more than just science fiction, but that's what he's best known for. "If you enjoy living, it is not difficult to keep the sense of wonder," he once said. Over nearly a century, that"s a heck of a lot of wonder.

See you next time!

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All Cases of the Sort Are Decided by the Judges of the Supreme Court
By Dave Sikula
Mon, June 28, 2010, 12:01 am PDT

Solicitor General Elena Kagan
Solicitor General Elena Kagan
With Elena Kagan's nomination to the U.S. Supreme Court being considered by the Congress this week, we have to wonder where she'll fall in the pantheon of Justices (assuming she's confirmed, of course …) Will she be remembered for serving admirably on America's highest court, or will she be a mere footnote in the history books?

Almost every President gets to make nominations to the high court (only three of forty-four haven't -- Zachary Taylor and Jimmy Carter never had the chance, nor did William Henry Harrison (though considering Harrison died after only a month in office, we can forgive him ...) -- some have made more nominations than others. George Washington holds the record with 13 (though, of course, he had to fill all the slots once the Court was created). Second is Franklin D. Roosevelt, who appointed nine justices (and might have named even more if his controversial plan to "pack the court" had succeeded).

William Howard Taft holds a unique position, in that not only did he appoint five justices while serving as President, but he was himself named Chief Justice by Warren Harding -- becoming the only man to hold both positions.

Of course, once on the court, some justices exhibit peccadilloes that could not have been predicted in the confirmation process: Justice John Harlan held weekly screenings of porno movies in the Court's basement, in order to better help his fellow justices determine just what pornography was (despite Justice Potter Stewart's declaration that "I know it when I see it"). Unfortunately for Harlan, as his eyesight began to fail, he had to rely on Justice William O. Douglas to narrate the movies and describe the on-screen action.

Justice Harry Blackmun authored many opinions (some more controversial than others), but apparently, his favorite topic of conversation came every March 8th, when he would mark the anniversary of his appendectomy.

Justice Clarence Thomas's nomination was one of the most contentious in history, but since his approval is one the most silent of the current justices, almost never asking any questions or making statements during arguments.

Justice Thurgood Marshall demanded that all sessions be adjourned by 1:00, so that he would be free to watch his soaps (though whether he was watching "All My Children" or "Days of Our Lives" is a point of contention).

In the last few decades, some candidates have sailed through the process with little controversy, while others haven't fared as well:

In 1968, Lyndon Johnson nominated Justice Abe Fortas to become Chief Justice (after using his considerable political skills to persuade Arthur Goldberg to step down from the bench to become his ambassador to the United Nations, but Fortas's nomination was filibustered and withdrawn.

In 1970, G. Harrold Carswell was dismissed as not being distinguished enough for the Court. In defense of Carswell, Senator Roman Hruska of Nebraska asked, "Even if he is mediocre, there are a lot of mediocre judges and people and lawyers. They are entitled to a little representation, aren't they?"

The most controversial nominee in recent years was Judge Robert Bork, whose name has had the dubious distinction of becoming a verb. Following the judge's unsuccessful nomination in 1987, "to Bork" came to mean "to seek to obstruct a political appointment or selection."

Whether Solicitor General Kagan becomes a justice or a figure of speech, only history -- and the Senate -- can say.

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