Just stop freakin' swearing already, gosh darn it! (Photo by Bill Barber) Like most parents of toddlers, I'm amazed as I watch my daughter learn to speak and understand words. And like many other parents, I've been wondering exactly when I need to stop swearing, lest my child end up sounding like a David Mamet character. I don't want her to be banned from the playground for teaching other tots salty talk. But how the H-E-double-hockeysticks does someone go about eliminating all of those naughty, colorful words from their vocabulary -- especially when they're so freakin' fun to use? In writing, there's the ever-handy grawlix -- that jumble of #@*&% symbols that denotes swearing in comics -- but that's not very helpful when someone cuts you off in traffic or the umpire makes an especially bad call. Online advice suggests a few solutions. For example, just stop using profanity altogether. Just like that. While this might be the polite and proper solution, it's not for me. I don't exactly swear like George Carlin, but I do relish the occasional well-placed expletive. Also, I'm a klutz, and when I stub my toe I need to blurt something a bit stronger than "ow." Another option is to replace curse words with euphemisms. Some opt for watered-down versions of the strong stuff, but gosh darn it, that just feels hecka silly to me. Others use nonsense words as swear-proxies. My grandmother used "sheesh" and "foof" as smurf-style all-purpose replacement words which could be used as any part of speech. (I used to think she said them when she'd forgotten the word she meant, but I'm beginning to wonder if she used to swear like a longshoreman in the days before she had kids. Foof yeah, Granny!) Made-up curses like "frak" may be more satisfying to say than "fudge" or "fooey," but I have a feeling that phrases like "What the frak?" would be just as unpopular at preschool as the real thing. The whole process of profanity-replacement makes me feel like a movie censor, adapting R-rated movies for network TV ("Yippee-ki-yay, Mr. Falcon!"). Maybe I should just do what they do, and not care that the new phrases don't make sense. If people don't like my surreal semi-swears, I'll just tell all those monkey-fighting melon-farmers and fairy godmothers to shut the front door. Suggested Sites... How to Stop Swearing Like A Sailor - assuming you're not actually a sailor. Swearing Around Kids - members of a parents' forum share their thoughts. No Cussing Club - an anti-profanity movement started by an expletive-hating 14-year-old. Cleaning Up My Act - Joseph Epstein's account of trying to stop swearing. Mamapedia: Bad Words - moms offer stories and advice about sweary kids.

Directory categories: Swearing, Words and Wordplay, Parenting, Parenting Humor

Archived under: Children, Etiquette, In Character, Parenting, Profanity, Society and Culture, Swearing, Words

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The Janes Family in 1955 (Photo by Melissa Gutierrez) It's hard to believe it's the end of 2009 already. It seems like the year started about ten minutes ago -- and that it was the turn of the century about a week ago. As has been our custom the last couple of years, we approached our crack Spark staff and asked them what they were proudest of in the past twelve months. Michelle is learning to be less of a packrat after losing thirteen years' worth of email in a series of computer disasters. She's finally stopped crying, the uncontrollable twitching is getting better, and she’s pretty sure that a few years of therapy will help her learn to let go. Mike: This year, I finally achieved my New Year's Resolution of losing 40 pounds, cutting out all sweets, and I can bench-press three times my own weight! Next year, I'm going to win the lottery! Heather finally became a grown-up this year when she ditched the twin and bought her first full-size bed at the age of 25. She dreams big, so next year she's hoping to upgrade her current dresser to one that actually has wooden drawers. Eugenia shot the oyster. No one else was harmed in the process. Sarah: I read 35 books and purchased approximately 150 more. Chris: I've managed to convince my four-year-old picky eater, that yes, potato chips are in fact made out of potatoes. Next year's goal is to get him to actually eat potatoes. Dave fulfilled a lifelong dream of visited both Metropolis (the home of Superman) and Portmeirion, Wales (where the original "Prisoner" TV series was filmed). Fortunately, he was able to avoid "Rover" and escape. Next year, he hopes to visit Gotham City, Deadwood, and Freedonia. Helene ne comprend toujours pas ces Américains fous. Richard still hasn't been seen since he succumbed to his Facebook addiction. Best wishes to you and yours over the holidays and in the coming year (we’d say "the coming decade," but any fool knows that the first decade of the 21st century won’t end until December 31, 2010). Love, The Spark Household Suggested Sites... Shelfari - tell the world about the books you're reading and how you liked them. 10 Tips For Picky Eaters - the Mayo Clinic tells how to cure them, not encourage them. The Invention of the Potato Chip - you can thank George Crum of Saratoga Springs, NY. Portmeirion Village - more than a hotel, it's an icon. Awkward Family Photos - the Janes Family above would fit right in.

Directory categories: Weight Loss, Weight Training, Furniture Retailers, Potatoes, The Prisoner

Archived under: Books, Candy, Collecting, Computers, Cooking, Deadwood, Decorating, Design, Diets, Eating, Holidays, In Character, Motivation, New Year, Reading, Recreation and Travel, Roadside Attractions, Shopping, Social Networking, Superman, TV, The Spark, Tourist Attractions, United Kingdom, Yahoo!

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Little Ralphie takes aim, just before he shoots his eye out (From Angry Alien Productions) We're right in the middle of the holiday shopping season, and December 1st is the beginning of "Safe Toys and Gifts Month," all of which reminds me that every year about this time, some group of buttinsky do-gooders comes along with a list of "dangerous" toys that parents are supposed to avoid -- just because some kiddie somewhere might swallow something or put an eye out. When I was growing up, we weren't softies like these kids today. Our toys were hazardous. They were rusty. They gave us splinters. They exploded in our faces or stabbed us, and that's just the way we liked it. We played with chemistry sets and ovens that were shaped like goofy-looking heads, with which we concocted all sorts of toxic crap -- which we'd eat without a second thought -- and enjoy! We had "Thingmakers" that would melt "Plastigoop," which could burn the skin right off your arm. Hell, even our Erector sets could cut your fingers clean off! Nowadays, these pantywaists aren't even allowed to play dodgeball or swing on the monkey bars, because some clumsy kid might break an arm. Honestly! You damn kids today. Now pick up your hypoallergenic, flame-resistant, no-small-parts toys with the rounded edges and get the hell off my lawn! Suggested Sites... W.A.T.C.H. List 2009 - a warning guide to the most dangerous toys of the year. Boomer Baby Toys - boomers get nostalgic for the toys of their youth. TV Party: Kids With Guns - ads from the days when it was hard to get away from toy guns. New York Daily News: Most Dangerous Toys - a rogue's gallery of toys so dangerous you'll beg Santa to take them back. Like Television: Toyland - watch vintage toy commercials.

Directory categories: Toy Safety, Toys, Antique and Collectible Toys, Toy Retailers, Child Safety

Archived under: Children, Childrens Health, Christmas, Gifts, Grumpiness, In Character, Kids, Nostalgia, Safety, Toys

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Ree Drummond's dinner roll, a la Eugenia (Photo by Eugenia Chien) If you'd lived where I've lived, you might think there's really no reason to learn how to bake bread at home. I grew up in Taipei, where you'll find at least two bakeries on every block. Here in San Francisco, I head to Tartine Bakery when I need a buttery fix, and for a good, crusty loaf, there's always the Acme Bread Company. So why bake my own bread? If only for reasons explained only by nostalgia, the idea of homemade bread, hot from the oven, makes me and my dinner guests go absolutely crazy. When I announced that I would be making bread, a handful of Yahoo! editors readily volunteered themselves to be the taste-testers. Bread baking could seem like a daunting undertaking, but a few no-knead, foolproof recipes have recently emerged to ease the novice baker into making bread. Food bloggers have talked endlessly about Mark Bittman's no-knead bread recipe, which uses a super-slow rising period and calls for baking the dough in a heavy, enclosed pot. For this Thanksgiving, I tested another no-knead recipe from Ree Drummond's fantastic website, The Pioneer Woman. Her cult-like following is easy to understand when you try this recipe. These sweet dinner rolls achieve their volume with the help of some yeast, a little baking powder, and baking soda mixed in at the end. I cheated a little by kneading the dough a few times before rolling it into little balls and baking them in a liberally-buttered muffin tin. These rolls baked quickly, and only 15 minutes later, my fellow Yahoo! editors were buttering the hot rolls and drizzling honey over them. I had plenty of dough left over to make a big braided loaf, which I sliced up for French toast the next morning, using the French toast recipe from "The Joy of Cooking." If you're looking to impress your Turkey Day guests, check out the Yahoo! Directory for even more bread recipes. Suggested Sites... Mark Bittman's No-Knead Bread Recipe - watch Bittman make this beautiful loaf. Eight Tips for Less Intimidating Bread - tips from Smitten Kitchen on how to bake beaming, bewitching breads. Broiche des Rois - Tartelette bakes a festive broiche and reaches epiphany. Warning: contains photography that will make you hungry immediately.

Directory categories: Bread Recipes, Baking, French Toast Recipes, Thanksgiving Recipes, Recipes

Archived under: Bread, Cooking, Eating, Food and Drink, Holidays, In Character, Recipes, Thanksgiving

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Jack Pierce makes up Karloff as the Frankenstein monster (Photo by Jhayne) When I was growing up, I loved horror movies -- especially monster movies. I don't mean the gorefests that populate the screen today; the ones that substitute shock for real psychological terror. No, I loved the Universal monster movies that featured the Wolf Man, the Invisible Man, Dracula, and, most of all, Frankenstein’s monster (or just "Frankenstein," as we called him in those days). Most of the reason for that love was Boris Karloff. In spite of how many people he murdered, tortured, or terrorized on camera, it was obvious that, behind the character, there was a decent and funny man who projected a real humanity. Karloff was born on November 23, 1887, as William Henry Pratt. As a child, it was expected he'd follow his brother into the British Foreign Service, but he developed a love of acting that took him first to Canada, then finally to Hollywood, where between gigs acting in silent films, he worked as a ditch digger and truck driver to pay the bills. When sound films came along in the late 1920s, his stage training (and British accent) helped him make the transition to talkies, but he was still mired in supporting roles like "Rev. T. Vernon Isopod" or "Sport Williams." Finally, in 1931, the role of a lifetime -- the Frankenstein monster -- came along, and even though he was unbilled at the time (the credits showed the Monster as being played by "?"), he had achieved screen immortality, becoming one of the few actors to be so well known as to be billed with just one name: "Karloff." It took Universal a bit of time to realize what an asset they had in Karloff. They lent him out to Warner Bros. for a memorable turn as a cadaverous gangster in the original "Scarface" and to MGM to star in the insidious Dr. Fu Manchu. But once the box-office returns came in ($12,000,000 -- nearly $200 million today... that's before adjusting for the 25 cents audiences paid in 1931!), they took full advantage of him in such classics as "The Old Dark House," "The Mummy," "The Black Cat," and (best of all) "The Bride of Frankenstein" -- some 42 features over the next ten years. In 1941, Karloff left Hollywood to appear on Broadway in the comedy "Arsenic and Old Lace," playing another homicidal maniac -- one who’d had plastic surgery and now looked like -- Boris Karloff. Over the next three decades, Karloff alternated between stage, screen, radio, and television, shifting easily between comedy and drama. His integrity and talent were such that, even after the many times he had kidded his "horror star" image, he was still utterly believable when he did a straight role that would scare the pants off audiences. When he died at the age of 81 in 1967, his name was still the gold standard for the genre, (an accomplishment that no one else -- in any film genre -- has ever matched) and for some of us, it still is. Suggested Sites... Karloff.com - official site of the Karloff family, dedicated to the memory of the Master of Horror. "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" - excerpt from one of Karloff's last great roles, narrating and playing the Grinch. Celebrating Boris Karloff, the Monster and the Man - introduction to a retrospective of Karloff's film career. Universal Studios Monster Movies - overview of the studio's horror films of the 1930s. Frankenstein Films: The Universal Pictures Series - reviews and synopses of the series that rocketed Karloff to stardom.

Directory categories: Boris Karloff, Horror Movies, Classi Hollywood Actors, Frankenstein, Actors

Archived under: 1930s, 1940s, Actors, Biographies, Birthdays, Boris Karloff, Celebrities, Entertainment, Horror, Horror Films, In Character, Monsters and Creatures, Movies

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