If you want to write something truly terrible, never edit your work. (Photo by Nic McPhee) For some of us, bad writing comes naturally. We can plant the seed of a verbal image, let it blossom into a beautiful metaphor, and then ride it off into the sunset. We leave no stone unturned in our quest to find more clichés than you can shake a stick at, and we need no assistance to effortlessly split infinitives. We don't let something as salubrious as a definition come between us and an ignominious fancy word, and we literally go crazy for adverbs. But not everyone can mangle the language so dexterously. If you're an aspiring bad writer but you're still struggling to get past "it was a dark and stormy night," never fear. Many a ghastly writer has put ink to paper before you, and you can learn from their experience. Before you take on a full-length work of unpublishable gibberish, you must first master the basics. Here are some tips to get you on your way toward writing laughable novels, maudlin poetry, sleep-inducing nonfiction, and generally unreadable prose. - We no your two busy four things like grammer, spellling, and stile. Besides, proofreading is is soooo 20th century! - Prepositions are exciting things to end sentences with. - "Extra" punctuation is fun; and can really "liven up" a dull paragraph!!! - A compendious thesaurus is your efficacious and duteous compatriot. - Especially if you're writing science fiction or fantasy, don't hesitate to make up new words as flamdiforentiously as you like, and give your characters names like Vvzywk-aa'aklqy'a. Once you've got the basics down, you're ready for a ludicrous, meandering plot (or none at all!), far-fetched (or two-dimensional) characters, and stilted, unrealistic dialogue. Now just keep going for as long as you want (if you get stuck, just stop wherever you are!), and then slap on a silly title. You'll be blessing the world with your art (and raking in the dough) in no time. Suggested Sites... Common Mistakes of First Time Authors - a lengthy list of things you shouldn't do while writing fiction. How Not to Write a Novel - blog for the book that demonstrates 200 common novel-writing mistakes and how to avoid them. Agents' Chapter 1 Pet Peeves - apparently the protagonist-waking-from-a-dream angle isn't too popular with literary agents. How to Write a Bad Sentence - the building block for all bad writing, from novels to memoirs to textbooks to fan fiction. How to Write Badly Well - Joel Stickley demonstrates a series of writing wrongs.

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